Until quite recently, my first
feeling when new people jumped into my life was - "Attention!" (as in
the position that soldiers are supposed to stand in during inspections or before they begin marching).
I am no longer that 'jumpy' around
new people, but still I'm initially somewhat guarded.
I am not somebody who makes
friends quickly. I get uncomfortable with people who get friendly too much too
soon with me. Also, I cannot approach an unknown person just to make friends. If
the other person takes the first step forward, I do respond, politely and
kindly, but not very enthusiastically. I take a lot of time to get on back-slapping
terms with people. Those whose patience can last that long do gain a fiercely
loyal friend in me. Only they get to see my crazy sense of humour, my fun-side
and also my vulnerability.
I have, several times, attempted
to understand why this is so. So far, the answer that I have arrived at is that
I feel vulnerable and I like to be in control of myself and thus prevent or
delay occasions, situations or relationships where my vulnerability will be
exposed. I think this arises from being insecure about oneself.
Over the last two years I see
myself getting more and more secure within myself (by design, not by accident) and
thus, I am less uncomfortable around new people.
I guess the reason why I can share
this personal information publicly on the blog is perhaps thanks to the
anonymity my blog allows me.
The single example that stands out
in my memory of a person who jumped into my life is that of my (now) dearest
friend Aa.
TH (TH = The Husband, for the newcomers to the blog) and I were facing tough times
in life. We were jointly facing some situations and thus were both in a bad
mental state. We were really down and out. The only solace in an otherwise
oppressive existence was our continued involvement in theatre. We met Aa when
we were doing a play, TH as the music director and I as the actress in it, with
a group to which Aa used to belong. Aa was always cheerful, happy, positive and
motivating. TH used to be outwardly calm and inside quite depressed. I was
outwardly shut off and inside very depressed. That didn't make a difference to
Aa at all. It was almost as if he didn't notice those things. He quickly
appointed himself as our friend and well-wisher and continued becoming
friendlier by the day. TH warmed up and opened up to him. I, on the other hand,
used to be terribly bothered by Aa's spiritual advice, assurances that
eventually everything would become better, his positive outlook on everything
and his happy countenance. The thing that I resented the most that he was getting
friendly too-much-too-soon. It was a lot more than I liked. Yet, for politeness'
sake I bore it quietly and, privately and frequently, complained to TH.
Gradually, actually without
realising when and how, I too opened my heart to Aa's positivism. And life
began to change. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective for my life to
begin changing. But Aa was the catalyst. We became friends, then good friends
and now we count each other as family.
So all in all, despite my initial
strong resistance, this one person did succeed in jumping into my life and it
was really one of the best things to have happened to me :)
****************************
I didn't last even a week ! I knew
that this time it was going to be challenging to post daily, yet I did manage
on the two worst days in the first week of the NaBloPoMo June challenge.
Yesterday, however, I had to
travel and had neither access to Internet nor the time to write a post. I
returned home post-midnight to an Internet connection, but the date had already
changed :(
Nevertheless I'm going to continue
writing daily for the rest of the month and carry the badge as well.
Comments