We have, on the time line, reached approximately the mid-point of the rehearsals of the new play Kashmir Kashmir. This ride has been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride.
I am constantly learning something new. I am physically very tired always and perpetually sleep-deprived. Mentally, I violently fluctuate between excitement, happiness, satisfaction (when I learn something, when I get something right, when I know something beforehand and can help others) and anger towards self, feeling ashamed, frustration, depression (when I discover one more thing that I can’t do yet / don’t know, when I can’t get something right, when I find myself short of preparation time due to my job)
Language and speech have always been my forte. I grasp it quickly and I’m good at it. And in this play I have to speak grammatically incorrect English and pronounce it badly as well ! Learning to do that has been a task :-) I learnt the basic step of Salsa. I have learnt some Tibetan phrases. I’ve learnt a couple of Kashmiri words. Since two days ago, I’ve been learning how to rap accompanied by that typical style of dancing too. I can’t say I’m anywhere close to getting it right, but eventually I will. I am presently learning a Bengali song…Rabindra Sangeet to be precise.
Apart from this, I have learnt a lot about the history of Kashmir, the issues, the lifestyle, the people, the food…
All this has been very exciting and terribly stressful. Learning something new is always fun but knowing that there are so many things that you cannot do yet is painful. After reading extensively about Kashmir, I felt so frustrated. A whole lifestyle, a culture, a people, displaced, nearly eliminated…extinct ! And, I believe, there is no solution to the problem…and that is what is so frustrating.
I discovered that I am extremely uncomfortable asking for and taking help from others. I also found out that I can’t accept it if I can’t do something or I don’t know it yet. I always compare myself with others unfavourably…I manage to find good things that they know / do and that I don’t…and it bothers me a lot.
Yesterday I wasn’t getting the rap dance movements at all and the director was unhappy with me. After rehearsal, two people from the team very kind-heartedly said that they would work at those steps and ensure that I got it right…in short, they’d help me to overcome this weakness. Instead of feeling reassured and happy, I felt even more like a handicapped person. I hadn’t felt this bad even when the director expressed his unhappiness.
Once again it has been confirmed to me that I am a natural at languages and speech. I have been able to comfortably pick up other languages, modify my speech patterns, twist nursery rhymes (oh, this is so fun…but in some other post). I have never been inclined towards the more physical pursuits such as exercise, dance and sports. Throughout the rehearsals of this play, I have sorely felt the lack of these qualities / skills in me. This is one of my major shortcomings, I believe. I must do something to change this situation.
All in all, the journey so far has been highly challenging, to say the least. My role in the previous play that I did was not very challenging. I was a bit unhappy about that. I wanted to do something that would push me beyond my known limits. I thought such a role would be most juicy and delicious. And here I am…struggling to overcome the difficulties and…and at this moment, it is far from ‘juicy and delicious’…more like trying to crack a walnut with teeth weakened by cavities.
But, I am going to tell myself that this is the tunnel, and if I keep walking and keep my wits about me, I shall reach the light at the end of it. Amen !
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