Slices of my daily life

There is something spiritual about cleaning up your home.

Here’s a poem I wrote in French today. I am also giving the English translation below the original French one. Vide Beaucoup d'alimentation pour me bourrer. Tant de vêtements pour m'habiller. Mais mon cœur est vide. Tas de choses que je fais pour occuper mes jours. Tant de livres pour remplir mes étagères. Mais ma tête est vide. Beaucoup de personnes pour occuper ma vie. Et un peu plus pour me manquer après ma mort. Mais mon âme est vide. Tout est vide. Tout est vide. Tout est complètement vide. Empty A lot of food to stuff myself with. So many clothes to dress myself up. But my heart is empty. So many things that I do to fill my days. So many books to fill my shelves. But my mind is empty. A lot of people to fill my life. And some more to miss me after my death. But my soul is empty. Everything is empty. Everything is empty. Everything is completely empty.

I seem to have an unusually high number of funny telephone-encounters ! In fact, long ago, I had written a post on telephone manners . What happened a short while ago is yet another incident in the growing list :) My cell phone rang. I saw a cousin's name flash on it. We haven't spoken for ages. In fact we usually meet and chat only at family functions...the usual reason being busy schedules etc. So, I received the call and very cheerily said, "Bol S!" There was this heavy silence for about 10 seconds...during which a thousand thoughts came to my mind...ranging from...is there any sad news and did I sound too cheery for that...to...perhaps she's called to invite me to some function. The 10-second silence seemed a wee bit too long and I heard myself say uncomfortably, "Kay ga ?" ("What's up ?) Then she said, "Oh wow ! Its you ! For a second I wondered why my bai's daughter is sounding like this !" To this, I could only burst into lo

I got this as a forward...the source is mentioned as National Geographic. A female leopard hunts a pregnant female baboon. While the leopard is dragging the dead baboon, she notices a day-old baboon baby... Leopard leaves the hunted mother and starts taking care of the newborn baboon. When I shared it with my colleagues, one colleague RP remarked, "As some humans are turning into animals day by day in our society, somebody needed to compensate !"

I have observed that, at some point of time or the other, in any in-depth discussion, particularly regarding a decision, already made or to be made, the issue of heart versus head comes into focus. It is as if they are two things opposed to each other, an either-or option, mutually exclusive. I too have my moments of ‘what I must do’ versus what I want to do’…in other words head versus heart. It is a difficult to handle dichotomy. I have wondered why the head and heart are always pitched against each other. Why can’t they complement each other…participate equally in a decision, for example ? This morning I was just flicking through channels and on one I saw a small part of a scene that set me thinking about this. This 5 year old little girl and her mother are walking back from school. The mother’s sandal’s thumb-strap gives way. But she continues walking since there is no other option. Mother is limping now and Daughter is watching her and imitating the mother. After a while Mother rem

There must be about a million quotes that describe, some with great precision, what friends are and what friendships are. When I read them, I identify with most of them and think about the ones that I don’t identify with. But none manage to touch the core of my heart. My heart ‘knows’ only when it experiences. I have always been super-sensitive towards and about my friends and friendships. It is only of late that I have become totally secure. I do not know how and when the realisation came from within that, true friends and friendships are beyond any small upheavals that may happen in our individual or collective lives. I believe this realisation came as I became clearer in my mind that my involvement in my friends and my friendships is unshakeable, no matter what; And also with the realisation that like everything else, relationships and people change and thus if some friends or friendships don’t last, they no longer are. It is alright. However, for certain friends or friendships, the

It was bright and sunny. Hot, in fact. Suddenly the skies became dark. An army of galloping horses of dark clouds had invaded the skies. Everything took on a grey hue…the trees, the houses, the river, the people. A cool breeze began to blow. The kind that blows into your face, pushing back your hair and makes you wish you could fill your wings with it and take off into the sky. The kind that makes you pine for something unknown…pulls you towards something indescribable. The kind that makes you forget everything…even yourself. Slowly the wind gathered strength. It cornered the clouds, surrounded them from all directions and began to push them. The confused clouds ran helter-skelter. They collided with each other. They were startled to hear deafening thunder…their eyes blinded by lightning. A huge tear drop escaped from the eye and fell to the ground. Then another and yet another…till their hearts poured out all the grief. Just as suddenly as it had begun, it all ended. Tear-drops now gl

I have observed that different people react differently to others being dependent on them. Some feel powerful. They consciously or sub-consciously use it as a tool to gain importance. They like people being dependent on them so that they can hold them to ransom and display their importance from time to time. Some feel superior. They feel proud, sometimes downright vain, as they translate others’ dependence on them as their superior capability. Some feel bound. They feel completely and irrevocably responsible. Since others are dependent on them, they can never delegate / share / pass on this responsibility, even for a single instance. Some feel grateful, servile, in fact. Their sense of worth is redeemed by others being dependent on them, in being needed. All of the above seem extreme responses to me. They seem to lack in balance. To recognise the dependence as being in specific areas, for specific reasons or durations and to respect the dependence for exactly what it is, nothing more a

While laughing at poor DJ’s plight while reading this , I suddenly recalled this incident and laughed even more. Once upon a time (= a couple of years ago), yours truly was going to Lakshmi Road and got caught in such a horrible traffic jam on Karve Road that even the proverbial ant wouldn’t be able to overtake the vehicles that were practically kissing each other. Yours truly (hereafter referred to as YT), surprisingly, was not at all affected and continued progressing with the traffic at a snail’s pace. About half way towards Deccan Gymkhana, one Mr. Scooter behind YT started sounding his horn. YT first decided to ignore it thinking that eventually Mr. Scooter (hereafter referred to as Mr. S), would realise that it was impossible for YT to make space and allow him to overtake. However, this was not to be. Mr. S continued honking like crazy and eventually managed to get YT all irritated. YT, sarcastically, gestured for Mr. S to overtake from wherever he could. Neither did Mr. S overta

I have been mulling over this question for some time now. Much value is placed on being successful. I have mentally played out different arguments, followed a number of lines of thought and have arrived at some observations. Success is measured differently by different people. It acquires different meanings in different scenarios, different circumstances and different contexts. One applies certain parameters, and then makes some allowances or some disallowances and proceeds to measure the success of a human being or an endeavour. The result varies as per the parameters. Success is also relative to a stated or implied goal, if one has been predefined. Success of two human beings or endeavours, in my opinion, is not one hundred percent comparable, even if the measurement parameters and the allowances and disallowances are identical, since circumstances are never identical. I had once read a verse about success and it had appealed to me a lot. Unfortunately I do not know the source. I quo

I recently read a book called “ The Tears of the Desert ” by Dr. Halima Bashir. It is about the civil war in Darfur, Sudan. Last year I read a book about civil war in Sierra Leone called “ A long way gone ” by Ishmael Beah. I have also read about war-time diaries of youth . From Israel… Palestine… Kashmir… Azerbaijan... Armenia... Bosnia-Herzegovina... Northern Ireland... Rwanda... Cyprus... East Timor... Côte d'Ivoire... Kosovo... to absolutely anywhere in the world…all we hear these days in conflict based on religion, ethnicity, caste, etc. etc. It is horrifying to even read about the atrocities committed by humans against humans…I daren’t imagine what the people who live and die through the horror have to face ! As far as my limited knowledge and observation goes, animals are driven by only three instincts…fear, hunger and reproduction. Man considers himself superior to animals since he is supposed to possess superior intellect, superior emotional capacity, a quality called huma

Two days ago, while in office, I received a call from R, the costume designer of KK that she needed my measurements for dungarees. I was on a tight schedule. I had a lot of work at office and then I had another rehearsal to attend. I couldn’t possibly take half an hour out to go to her place. So we decided that we would meet in a shopping mall that is on the way from office to the rehearsal and she could take measurements in the washroom of this mall (wait…wait…don’t react just yet…there’s more to come) and I could quickly be off on my way. But as I left office, I realised that my bike had a puncture and a colleague was offering me a lift but he would be taking another route. So I called up R and asked her if she could pick me up on that route. Coincidentally there’s a small shopping complex on the alternate route. She agreed to pick me up outside this one. She was yet to arrive when I reached there. She was a little late and I started getting restless. It occurred to me that it would

We have, on the time line, reached approximately the mid-point of the rehearsals of the new play Kashmir Kashmir. This ride has been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. I am constantly learning something new. I am physically very tired always and perpetually sleep-deprived. Mentally, I violently fluctuate between excitement, happiness, satisfaction (when I learn something, when I get something right, when I know something beforehand and can help others) and anger towards self, feeling ashamed, frustration, depression (when I discover one more thing that I can’t do yet / don’t know, when I can’t get something right, when I find myself short of preparation time due to my job) Language and speech have always been my forte. I grasp it quickly and I’m good at it. And in this play I have to speak grammatically incorrect English and pronounce it badly as well ! Learning to do that has been a task :-) I learnt the basic step of Salsa. I have learnt some Tibetan phrases. I’ve learnt a coupl

I have always felt that I pack a lot of ‘me’s in one day. The kind of diverse things happening in one day of mine sometimes boggles my mind. In one instant I am doing really crazy stuff like having a broomstick fight with my co-actors while rehearsing for a play and in another I am sitting in a meeting at office, a picture of seriousness, discussing changes in ISO procedures; in another, I am playing with my 6 month old nephew, singing all songs animatedly and talking baby-talk, and in yet another I am making “shev” like an expert even though it is the first time I’m making it; and then I’m teaching French phrases to a friend very patiently like an ideal teacher I would have loved to have. I feel as if I am made up of a thousand pieces of fabric that are individually very different from each other in texture, colour, design but together make for a very colourful quilt :)

Anything can happen in this world. I have always believed in this. And it does. Perhaps it does because I believe it does. It was early on Saturday morning. It was drizzling. I was going to the rehearsal of KK. As I was driving up the lane, S, M and O were driving down. They motioned me to follow them. We went to the next lane to a joint that sells delicious hot vegetable patties. We parked our vehicles, O on the same side and S and I on the opposite side of the road. We went in, quickly ate and came out in about 10 minutes. As we walked out I saw that there were about 6 to 8 cows of varying sizes standing very close to my motorcycle. There was no way I was going near them…I’m mortally scared of cows (long story…some other time!). So I gave my keys to S and told him to bring my bike to this side. He started walking across and suddenly stopped in his tracks and started laughing hysterically. I called out to him, “What’s the matter ?” He was laughing so hard, he could only gesticulate a

Today a friend shared a quote by Nelson Mandela. It goes: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I said to her that it’s an amazing thought but I’ll have to think a lot about this to understand it well, since I have always believed that inadequacy is one of my biggest fears. Later I received a message from M that RR, the playwright of KK, will be conducting a workshop with all actors on Sunday. It scared the hell out of me. RR is highly accomplished and experienced; and he wants to do a workshop with the actors M has chosen for the play he has written. I’m sure there will be some expectations, some preconceived ideas about how M’s group will be, because of M’s reputation as a talented director. I am so stressed out thinking how not to let my inadequacy be exposed. I am frightened beyond belief. I called M to ask him what RR intended to do and he said he didn’t know. I am now in an even worse state of mind. If I knew,

He feels she is stingy. She feels he is extravagant. She can’t sleep with the fan on and he, without. When he feels like going out, she doesn’t. So on, so forth. Or vice-versa. If you are already with somebody and this rings true for you, you are with the person you are meant to be with. If you are looking for someone, use this as a checklist. If you decide to ignore this and get together with somebody, you will later discover that this is true for you too. There is no escaping this, my dears. Be warned ! :)

It has been exactly a week since I began rehearsing for "Kashmir Kashmir" and I am feeling energised, alive and stimulated like never before. The rains have finally arrived. Replenishment. Renewal. Revival.

The last couple of days have been filled with thoughts, writing exercises and improvisations related to my play ‘Sahasrachandradarshan’ that is based in Kokan. Sahasrachandradarshan is a ceremony conducted to honour a person who has turned 80 years old. This is a play about a family from the present-day Kokan who gather together to celebrate the Sahasrachandradarshan of Aaji. In the course of events, some relationships are explored and some revisited and some stretched to their limits. The mind is a funny thing ! In one improvisation of Sahasrachandradarshan, Pratibha and I are sitting outside the ICU where our 80-year old mother has been kept after suffering a stroke. The doctor takes his last round for the day and informs us that the situation is grave and could turn any which way over the course of the night. About two and a half years ago I had once done this improvisation with the girl who played Pratibha for the first couple of shows. During the last week I did it again with the

3 years ago the trees transformed my life. It didn’t happen overnight, like a military coup or a revolution. It gradually grew in my heart, in my sub-conscious, and by the time I started realising it, the transformation was well under its way. I consciously allowed it thereafter…pushed it along and am still doing so. It started off as a simple poetry presentation program, one that I was even slightly reluctant to be a part of initially, since till then poetry had never excited me at all…perhaps I hadn’t taken the effort to understand and appreciate it. My dear friend Aa loves poetry. He researched Marathi poems for the last 100 years and selected poems related to trees. Then he went through the arduous task of sorting them and aligning them in a theme. He shortlisted 51 such poems and wove them in a theme. There are no narrations. Each poem is itself also a connector to the next poem. We didn’t want it to be just another poetry recitation program. We wanted it to enter people’s hearts

This is a revisited post from 5 years ago. I found this while sorting old documents and while reading I felt very refreshed. Good memories need to be refreshed every now and then. So here is the 'flower'-post revisited: I was speaking to a friend and said, I feel like writing today...suggest a topic...and he said, why don't you write about flowers ? So here goes...I'm writing about flowers. Although I'm reasonably fond of flowers, I don't go into raptures over them. I like flowers...different flowers hold different meanings and memories for me...and that is what I'll share today. I had read somewhere that Carnations are given at death occasions - wakes, on coffins, on graves etc., but they never give me that feeling...I just love Carnations...their cut petals, their shape and different colour combinations. Dahlia brings back memories of the bungalow we stayed in as soon as we shifted to Pune. It had a huge garden...almost four times the size of the house...a

Change is one of the things that I find extremely daunting. I believe most people do. As is my habit, I imagine some scenarios that I want to or I find likely to happen in the future. As I detail out each scenario in my mind, I come up with all the possible alternative situations and their implications on other factors, the thing that bothers me is the loss that follows change. There are thousands of books written about millions of techniques of ‘managing’ change. I find that they help only in rationalising the loss and acceptance of and adjustment to the ‘new’. At least that is how it works for me. I understand, intellectually, that this is completely in tune with the law of nature. The old has to make way for the new. Still I mourn the loss of the old. My sentimental side wants to hold on to some parts of the old and assimilate them into the new. It is not always possible. That is what I feel upset and helpless about. I was mulling over all this and simultaneously reading through my

It does. Really. For months now I have lamented the fact that I have not been on stage and that I have been inactive in theatre for a very long time. Suddenly in the last few days things have begun happening…and how ! Just check out my June calendar… Since yesterday I have begun directing a skit for the final day presentation of the theatre workshop that ends on the 7th. On the 8th I begin directing another small skit for a show of historical plays that will take place on the 14th. In the meantime, from the 9th I will begin rehearsing for a long play in which I will be acting. From the 15th we begin rehearsals of two plays that we are reviving. Simultaneously, I, along with a couple of others, have initiated the process for the revival of our poetry presentation program that we intend to begin performing from July. So there is preparatory work to be done for the same. This morning I got a call from my dear M asking me if I would like to be in the next play that he is directing. Obvious

at some people for their sheer inability to see what they are. There is this poor guy who is ambitious but lacks focus and isn’t steady or loyal. He also has no opinions of his own. All are formed based on hearsay. He avoids clarity in communication. He has no inkling of all this. गुळाच्या ढेपेला कश्या मुंग्या येतात न, तसा हा जातो जिथे जिथे काही 'मोठ' घडताना दिसेल। पण त्याच्या लक्षात येत नाही की लोकांना त्याच्यापेक्षा जास्त समजत। किम्मत करतात लोक त्याची। मला हसूच येत ! बिच्चारा ! It sounds mean, but I know that he will pay for his stupidity and it really makes me laugh to think about it. I laugh when I see when he thinks he has manipulated people or situations when actually, people are just being kind or patient. Poor poor dear. I can only laugh :))))))

That’s how I am feeling right now. Dull, exceptionally slow and most of all, terribly sleepy ! I’ve felt like this all day and have pestered L with my constant declarations of, “I’m so sleepy, I want to go home !”. The last week went by in a flurry of tending to the needs of the auditors. The weekend was even more hectic, but enjoyable. I saw 2 movies…both Marathi, one long-overdue and one on the day of its first presentation in Pune. Harishchandrachi Factory is the movie I absolutely loved. It is based on the life of the father of Indian Motion Pictures, Dadasaheb Phalke. I can’t believe that a biopic has been made so entertaining and enjoyable and fun ! There is not as much as a squeak about how its maker was a visionary, how great he was or any such thing. There was no ‘agenda’. It is a film with a heart. It reflects the genuine spirit, the lightness, the passion that he had. The makers of this film seem to have the same genuineness, lightness and passion and thus it reached out to

The other day a friend of mine rightly remarked about me…I get caught in the moment. I am 100% present where I am at that moment, but once I am elsewhere, there I am ! What she meant was I don’t touch base with my people as often as I should. I agree totally. It is not as if I don’t think of them. I think of them all the time. I am apparently yet to realise that thinking about people doesn’t equate to communicating with them. My people, my family and my friends, all my loved ones are very important to me. If I so much as sense the smallest problem in the relationship, I get affected in a disproportionately big way. If my people are in problems, I am upset. I love to help my people and feel very frustrated in situations where I can’t. I am sure many of my dear ones think that I don’t feel for them. I have regretted this habit often, but seemingly not enough for me to change my ways. I am trying to make amends…I don’t want to be taught this lesson in a harsh way ! I want to get to the po

Recently, commissioned by the Director of a company, P executed a professional assignment for this company. When he raised his invoice, it included his professional fees, reimbursement of some expenses he had made on their behalf and conveyance expenses. The concerned people in Accounts Department called and told him that they would be rounding off conveyance to a higher amount. P protested and said that he wanted the exact amount and not more. They didn’t listen. Then, as the payment cheque came, P discovered that they had deducted tax on reimbursement and conveyance. So, later, the tax deduction certificate will show the wrong amount. That is not how we choose to operate. We want everything to be transparent, above board and precise. So P got in touch with them and pointed out the discrepancy giving exact details of how the calculation ought to be. To this, they corrected their calculations and it turns out that they have paid a couple of hundred Rupees less to P. The way the concern

It is a day of reconnections...with people and places. Three days ago a long lost penpal sent me an email...and some more emails yesterday and some more today. She has apparently had a difficult life so far is trying to rebuild it. I wrote to her today. It was a strange feeling. My mind is thinking back to how we became penpals and the journey so far. Now that she has access to email, we will be far more regular and build many memories that we didn't back then. A colleague is going on a vacation in the UK. He leaves for UK tomorrow. We were just discussing the logistics and my mind went back to last year when I went there and a flood of memories came rushing to my mind. I am so missing each and everything about UK ! It was by and far the best vacation I have ever had. The mind is now spinning at warp speed with thoughts about reconnecting with lost friends and people.

The other day I read in the papers that a father stabbed his son since the son disobeyed him and kept watching a cricket match. A grandson killed his grandmother since she refuses to give him money to buy liquor. A teacher beat up a student for some trivial offence and the student later died on the injuries sustained. Apparently it is now routine for rejected lovers to kill their objects of affection. These are extreme examples. There are so many instances where lives weren’t lost but there were disproportionately large reactions to, sometimes imagined, offences. These instances have increased exponentially in the last couple of years. Why is the threshold of tolerance sinking so low so quickly ? We are supposedly a tolerant people. Then what’s with the constantly on-edge tempers ? Why is there so little understanding of and empathy towards other people ? Have resources become so scarce, has peace of mind become so elusive, has life become so difficult to live, so complex to understand

Since yesterday I’ve been longing for a holiday. I mean, normally every couple of days, each of us longs for a holiday, but it’s rarely specific. We keep saying that we’re longing for one and that’s about it. My longing is more specific since yesterday. I have searched the Internet for such locations that I know I may not be able to afford time or expense wise :) But I had a great time reading up about locations ranging from Dapoli to Sikkim :) I read about the history, geography, culture, food and logistics of all places. I love knowing about new places, people, food, clothes, culture. It has been great to know about all these diverse regions. It has also increased my yearning ! How quickly we get bored when conforming to a routine ! At least I do. So, reading up about these different locations and imagining about taking vacations there provides a temporary escape :) So, here’s a prayer that I’m sending up to the powers-that-be to facilitate my taking a vacation. “O Powers-that-be ! P

M My dear dear friend Somebody who, I have always felt understands me really well and who I understand very well My teacher in some things and my student in some others Mirror of my sense of humour Somebody whose feelings I can sense at long distance Somebody about whom I’ve always felt protective Somebody who has given me great gifts…and not just the material ones Somebody who I’ve lent a shoulder and a helping hand to Somebody who I can tell when I find certain behaviour inappropriate or when it bothers and disturbs me and I can expect the same from Somebody with whom I have always felt totally connected This one’s for you We used to be aware of every trivial thing we did, said, felt and thought. Now we aren’t. Our day to day lives were intertwined to that extent. Now they aren’t. I used to think about it. A lot. It bothered me. We did have one ‘down’ in our journey which had had only had ‘ups’ till then. Even during that period I knew that this was nothing compared to what we have.

I was watching the movie “Jab We Met” yesterday on some channel. I’ve watched it before, but yesterday some moments in it struck me even more than before. They were so beautifully and subtly played by the actors. Really small but poignant moments…some that may even go unnoticed by many in the audience. Still, the actors worked at realising those moments. There are so many films and plays in which there are such beautiful moments created by the actors and directors. I appreciate this quality in an actor. Being one myself, I understand what it means to capture that moment. You have to truly sink into the character…become the character so to speak. It is not easy…it tests the limits of your belief. However, each such moment makes the film, the play more real, more believable, more true. It is like a small brush stroke in a painting. It may not stand out individually, but it makes the painting that much richer and meaningful by being in it. Many people, when they find out that I am involve

A couple of people in office have been requesting me to conduct a basic course in French for them. For the longest time I kept fobbing them off. I know the routine. They feel like learning French. I begin teaching or I arrange for a tutor to come. They attend the first few classes and then their enthusiasm wanes. Very few actually complete the course or it has to be stopped for lack of attendance. So I kept avoiding it. But this group seems determined. So I had a word with my Boss and now we seem to be headed towards conducting a French conversation course. This time I am going about it in a more organised fashion. I plan to find out the purpose of this group in wanting to learn French. Accordingly I will design a course curriculum, plan a schedule, conduct classes and finally conduct an exam at the end of the course. I am excited with the thought of being in regular touch with French again. Only, this time, I am controlling my excitement since, if, for some reasons, this doesn’t work

I went off on the long weekend feeling happy. On Monday morning when I started my office computer, it was so exceptionally slow that I had to ask our System Administrator to take a look. While sorting out that problem, he insisted that we upgrade my system. Thereafter began a long and tedious journey, which, by initial estimates, was to complete in a couple of hours, but turned itself into an ordeal along the way and finally ended this evening, taking a record-breaking three working days to get my system upgraded, all software reinstalled and brought into working condition. Phew ! And ‘Phew !’ again…what a longwinded sentence :) The whole time I vacillated from euphoria of getting to sit on the extremely comfortable couch in the reception without fearing reprimand to depression due to withdrawal symptoms from lack of my daily dose of computer usage :) Look at the irony ! The long ‘weekend’ (of three days) was full of work. We cleaned up the house …and I mean really cleaned up. We are n

Just like Murphy’s law, there is a Loooooooong-Weekend-Law. I have discovered it. The Loooooooong-Weekend-Law states: “No matter how loooooooong the weekend, you will find enough pending tasks and social visits to fill it to brim” The Corollary to the Loooooooong-Weekend-Law states: “You cannot cheat the law by filling up some part of the loooooooong weekend with a planned period of ‘doing nothing’ since something that needs to be done 'immediately' will pop up impromptu exactly during the ‘doing nothing’ period” Happy Loooooooong-Weekend everybody :)

In a multi-caste / multi-religion group, caste / religion based comments ought to be made with some sensitivity. I say this with the understanding that no human being is the Supreme Being. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is superior or inferior to anybody else on the basis of anything at all. I do not say this with the intention of preventing or avoiding conflict, but by acknowledging that we are all just about as superior or inferior as anybody else. Change the parameters and get different results. I am not being idealistic, spiritual or even blind to the deep-rooted systems that exist in our environment. I do not claim that I do not think of the caste / sub-caste / religion of a person when I am introduced to them. I am sure the other person does too. The system is so deeply entrenched in our psyche that we immediately classify each other. For me, however, this exercise ends here. I put a tick mark under some column…in fact it happens quite involuntarily…and then I forget about it. It is n

Recently I attended an awards ceremony. It was a grand function with a huge audience in attendance. Many awards were given and some speeches too. The compère was, unintentionally, terribly funny ! In this function, when the compère announced the first award winner, he announced, “Please welcome on stage Mr. X (pause) married to (pause) wife Mrs. X (pause) from 1977 and successfully (pause) completed 32 years of (pause) married life…” I had tears in my eyes from laughing too hard :D Later, the same compère, while telling the audiences about a certain award winner, said, “…he is married (pause) to wife Mrs. Z (pause) and enjoys playing with his (pause) children K and M. His favourite (pause) holiday destination is (pause) the beaches (pronounced as ‘bitches’) of (pause) Goa” I nearly died choking with laughter for this one ! In the 45 minutes that he was on stage he was responsible for much hilarity due to his totally inappropriate commentary. I, of course, laughed my guts out and what c

I have been off-stage for too long now…and I am scared. Scared that I have lost it all…scared that I won’t be able to put in a decent performance and will disappoint myself. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes !

I saw a movie on the 23rd in which somebody said this. For a long time now, I have believed this. Previously I too would ask questions like, ‘why me ?’ or make statements like ‘I don’t deserve this’. Gradually I began to understand that the equations aren’t always as simple or direct or straightforward as that. Things that happen to me are not always a direct reciprocation of something that I did or did not do. It is more complex. It may be a cumulative of several things. So I started digging much deeper beneath the surface to understand what were the things that have caused something to happen. Believe me, each time I have found that my actions or behaviour are definitely one of the many factors that usually cause an event to occur. I may not be totally responsible for something to happen or not. But I am, at least, partly responsible. I can try to change my contribution to the situation so that the outcome may change to that extent. Change ought to be from within. I shall try.

My office was closed on Election Day. Days before, I had found out my exact number, polling booth etc. from the Internet. So on D-Day yours truly went and cast her precious vote. ‘So, where’s the story here ?’ you may ask. No story. One lament and one reiteration of belief. Lament: From the minute I locked my house to the minute I was opening the lock as I returned, it took me exactly, and only, 30 minutes to cast my vote. And still there are so many people in my immediate contact that didn’t vote. Despite having access to the Internet and the data related to our polling booths, the candidates etc. Despite the fact that it hardly takes 30 minutes. Despite the fact that the government makes sure that there is holiday on that day so that there isn’t a loss of income. Two: I can’t say it enough and I will repeat it till eternity’s end. It is my firm belief and experience. One vote, one voice, one person, does make a difference. I had read this story in ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ and I re

The ‘Work to be done : Time available’ ratio has suddenly gone haywire. I simultaneously enjoy and hate such phases. My tough exterior is just my defense mechanism. I am ambidextrous. Really. I can write, play badminton tennis or bowl, even stir with my left hand as well as the right hand. I love to solve crossword puzzles and sudoku puzzles. Sometimes when I feel intense love for somebody, I actually get stomachache.

And here is why: On some days I am terribly clumsy and absolutely not on most others. Sometimes I am very outgoing and gregarious and in some phases I withdraw into a shell so much that I go to any lengths to avoid meeting people. I can spend whole days lying in front of the TV watching 5 movies back to back. On some days I will spend the whole day outside and still not want to go back home, no matter how physically tired I am. I push myself really hard to achieve the goals I set for myself and I simply cannot get up early in the morning and exercise consistently. I feel extremely shy in too many situations but not a single person will believe this since I try hard to overcome it. Different people describe me differently.

I read this quote on a blog today and it is so in tune with what I believe that I had to write about it. We are constantly judged, right from our childhood, in every sphere we belong to, in each activity we attempt. We judge others and ourselves too. Due to this we place a very high premium on ‘being right’. It isn’t permitted to make mistakes. Sometimes this takes over every little thing we think and do. It develops a fear inside us. Failing is something terrible ! It is made out to be the end of the earth ! I personally believe that it is acceptable to make mistakes. At the simplest level, mistakes tell me what not to do, what doesn’t work. It serves as a guide for the next time. They give me insights about myself, my areas that need improvement. They give me a better understanding of the world around me. To make mistakes, to pay for them offers me the greatest learning opportunity. I have erred…thousands of times…in things big and small. Each time I have admitted my mistake, paid fo

Today while on my way to office, my motorcycle had a breakdown. On a steep slope. That I was climbing up. The bike wouldn’t start at all. There wasn’t any petrol and the kick broke off. Since I was about 5-10 minutes away from office, I called L in office. She told B to come and help me. I started pushing the bike up the slope till B came to relieve me. The bike is heavy but, much to my surprise, I was able to push it. Many vehicles passed me by. It’s a busy road and it was time for all to rush to their respective workplaces. Suddenly one man driving a motorcycle passed me by and stopped a few feet ahead. He seemed like a plumber or an electrician. He had some similar instruments and was with an assistant. He asked me what the matter was. I told him the problem. He offered to push my bike to the nearest mechanic. Then he offered to give me some petrol from his bike. He was so sweet that he made his assistant run down the slope and bring back an empty bottle lying there. I didn’t want t

I really, truly, honestly believe that: East Asian people…Chinese, Japanese, Koreans etc. see the world in cinemascope… i.e. they see images with the top and bottom portion cut off. Dogs understand every word that I say to them. I will be able to enter a particular location, especially of scenic beauty, open spaces, by simply stepping into the photograph. I will be able to play the violin extremely well some day. Trees understand when I tell them how much I love them and when I say thank you to them. I will always be very well taken care of.

The other day I saw a movie called “The Prestige”. Nice movie. The dialogues were good. In fact, some situation concepts were very well utilized. I am remembering two scenes, far apart in the movie, but linked to each other. In one scene the magician says to his wife, “I love you” and she responds, “Not today, you don’t”. He asks her what she means and she replies, “I can tell when you mean it and when you don’t. Today you don’t. I like being able to tell. That makes the days you mean it more meaningful”. In course of time, the magician has an affair. The wife suspects it. One day, during this period, the magician says to his wife, “I love you”. She responds, a little surprised, “You mean it today, don’t you ?” He replies in the affirmative and she retorts, “That makes the days when you don’t, terribly difficult”. The same thing isn’t really the same thing any longer.

There is a person in my regular contact who makes me go, “Some people…ooooooooohhhhhh !” in exasperation, more often than I’d like it. This person thinks that his way of living is the only correct way of living; his set of beliefs is the perfect/best/only one worth having. Add to this the fact that this person is extremely aggressive and vocal. So, heaven help the poor soul who dares express an opinion to the contrary. In fact, anybody who dares possess any belief that is different than his or lives differently than the way he does is wrong and is sure to get a reprimand from him ! Now, L and I can’t stand this at all and we are tough girls. So every now and then, we get into confrontations with him for his attitude of condescension, for his stubbornness to see that other ways of living are perfectly valid too. He doesn’t change at all, but I get the satisfaction that we remind him once in a while how narrow minded he is and how there are some people in the world who’ll not be afraid t

A colleague M is getting married soon and so the girlie gang at office took her out to lunch. How we ate ! All of us were stuffed and miserable about having to go back to office and work. We hadn’t ordered too much food. I think its because we also drank a lot of water alongside lunch that we felt stuffed. The summer is oppresive. After we returned, I was thinking…actually I ought to have paid a little attention while eating. I could have avoided over-eating. But we were all together for a happy occasion and we were having great fun together. So I wasn’t alert to my system, which, I am sure, must have given me the signals at the appropriate time. This indulgence has now cost me :( I am feeling terribly lethargic and finding it very tough to finish my work. I know that I always suffer whenever I allow myself to lose alertness, awareness to my internal physical and mental and emotional systems. And yet, I repeat my mistakes ! And suffer :( Serves me right ! “You will be taught the lesson

I read a post about brand nostalgia here and it brought back a whole lot of memories. I remember the Nirma one..."Nirma, Nirma, washing powder Nirma, thodisi powder aur jhaag dher sara...Hema, Rekha, Jaya aur Sushama, sabki pasand Nirma! I don't remember the brand of washing powder, but I remember the advertisement as if I saw it yesterday. A father and son are going on a scooter. There is a hoarding of a cute girls twirling a new frock. As they are looking at the hoarding, the girl suddenly comes alive and sings the jingle..."Suno suno ay babuji, kapde kyon hai mailey dhuley ? Mailey ? Par maine toh laundry mein dhulwaye they !" Once while going to Maths class on our bicycles, my friend didn't even realise when she started singing loudly "Jara si saawdhani, zindagi bhar aasani.." :)). The tune was so catchy ! We were shocked and then had a good laugh. I remember the Vadilal ice-cream one... "You win some, you lose some, it's part of the game,

I’m feeling very satisfied today ! I have done an amazing amount of work today. As it is I normally think, speak, walk, do things very fast as compared to the average person. In fact people in office tease me that I never walk, I run. But today was something else ! Today I was super-fast even compared to my usual speed. The kind of satisfaction of packing in a lot into the limited time that one has, doing the job well, enjoying it, is indescribable :) Almost as soon as I wrote those words, I realised…this holds true for almost anything…in fact for life itself ! :)

Words are easy. They can convey, convince, cover up. They can be denied, changed, interpreted differently later. Actions are tough. They are definite, difficult to reverse. They expose.

My stomach gets knots and I feel really desperate when I see my dear friends, my loved ones, facing bad situations. I feel terrible when they think they are bound by some things and think they can’t ever get out of the bad situation. I know that this is not true. And how do I know this ? Because I have “been there and done that”. I have seen an excruciatingly long drawn out terribly hopeless phase. I have been in situations where it was impossible to extricate myself from them. I know exactly how it feels to be in that place. Now those situations and phases are a thing of the past because good things happened to me, I met good people. I suffered for a long time. Then I got tired of suffering. I decided to believe that good things would happen to me, that I would meet good people. I figured that I was at such a point that it was impossible for the situation to worsen. So what did I have to lose by having some faith ? Gradually things started changing. At first I couldn’t believe that go

Lord, please help them see sense. Help them see the whirlpool in which they are being sucked again. Help them learn the lesson without getting hurt again. Lord, please help me be patient till they learn the lesson. Help me retain my warm feelings for them till they open their eyes. Since yesterday I have been distracted from my serenity by some inappropriateness that has come knocking on my door. My mind has been revolving around the inappropriateness since that time. Despite realising this, I was unable to return to my serenity. I decided to pray. The prayer is written above. Still I wasn’t feeling calm. I decided to write about my feelings. Then I realised that instead of feeling calmer, I was thinking about the inappropriateness even more ! While writing down my thoughts, I thought of Paulo Coelho’s book “Warriors of Light”. So I interrupted my writing by searching the book on the Internet. I clicked on a site that came up and on the home page I stumbled upon a story that suddenly b

I admit it. I am a strange creature. When everything is going fine and I’m doing good work and I am aware of it too, all of a sudden I get a bout of self-doubt. It starts in one particular area and, like a forest-fire, spreads very rapidly and I start doubting everything that I am doing. I proceed to question it all…right from the basics to the more superficial things about me and also declare the judgement that it is all horribly wrong. I convince myself that I am, and everything about me is, worthless. I get confused and feel stuck and feel sure that I won’t ever be able to do anything right. I feel like stopping everything that I am doing, since I ‘know’ that it is wrong and thus ought to be stopped. Then after wallowing in self-doubt for some time, either I realise or somebody, usually the better half, realises that I am suffering from a bout of self-doubt and with some or much effort, either from the better half or me, I return to my original confident and self-assured self :)

Presently I am teaching a couple of people. It doesn’t feel like teaching at all…they are such good receivers ! They are smart and intelligent and wise. They have absolutely no ego hassles. If they are confused, they ask, I answer, we discuss and resolve. If they make mistakes, we all laugh, correct the mistakes, reinforce and move ahead. They give me suggestions that I accept or reject, but always after a fair discussion. I openly discuss my doubts, the things that I appreciate and the ones that are not working, with the group and together we arrive at a solution. Most important of all, they are interested and involved. They understand that they and I are both working towards the same thing. In my opinion, this is pretty much the ideal way for a group of people to work together and be effective. I am happy that I have such a group to work with.

There are some people in the world who thrive on other people’s ideas, thoughts, help…anything. They think it is their birthright. I call them energy eaters. One person in my close contact is an energy eater. This person is highly disorganized and incapable of handling his personal life. Due to these traits he is most of the time under stress. He always loads his stress on us, who are in close contact with him. He sucks our energy…eats it…and still doesn’t become happy or stress-free. But we get drained. We have suffered much due to him. I should have done it earlier, but nevertheless, better late than never. On behalf of all of us who have suffered due to this energy eater, I now declare that we refuse to allow this person to eat our energy any longer.

A routine is a very efficient tool to use when one wants to overcome trauma. Routines are useful to inculcate habits…though I, personally, don’t seem to incorporate habits even if I incorporate them into my routine. Routines help one feel secure. That is all the utility that routines have. I find routines extremely limiting and suffocating. They are numbing…mind numbing to be precise. They limit my expression, my ability and my space. They suffocate the artist in me. I wish to create a semi-fixed and semi-flexible routine for myself so that I can achieve a healthy balance.

I was flooded with messages and phone calls and work at office. Hence no post yesterday. But as I ended my day, I had a few thoughts that I wanted to share. So I am writing this post for the 30th March. I got birthday wishes from so many people. I was pleasantly surprised that so many people took time out to wish me…so many people think positively about me and for me ! It is quite reassuring. I gratefully reciprocate the love that I receive :)

Today being Gudhi Padwa i.e. the Hindu New Year day I have a holiday. I started my day late but once up, I did some housework and then came to my mother's place for lunch.  Post-lunch I had a very interesting and stimulating discussion with my father. I won't write what that we spoke about because that is not the point of this post. What I want to mentione is that the conversation was varied, very stimulating intellectually and I had a sense of sharing thoughts, ideas and memories with my father. That made me feel very close to him. I like that. I like this day :) 

Today was stupendous in terms of the work I managed to do ! I know that I am capable of a lot of work and also capable of multi-tasking. However, such days that require one to do that, don’t come by very often. Today I’m feeling really satisfied due to all the work I have done…and the promptness with which I have executed all the tasks. Of course, this means that I am sitting late in office and I haven’t checked mails or goofed off even for a couple of minutes post-lunch. Even before lunch I was nearly glued to my chair :) This is one of the days that make you feel good about yourself. Busy days when you have done something that you think is useful or meaningful. Days when you arrive at a solution for a difficult or long-standing problem. Days when you have enriched yourself or others. Today is one such day and I am grateful about it.

It has been a dream of mine since childhood to work with orphaned animals…ranging from dogs to primates to elephants ! :) As a child I was notorious for bringing home stray puppies. I would beg to my mother to allow me to keep it. All I ever succeeded in was feeding the puppy some warm milk and taking it right back to wherever I had found it. The only time I succeeded was when I was in college and this doggy companion stayed with us for her entire life – a very enriching 15 years. My grandmother used to recount an incident of the time when I was 4 years old. She had taken me to watch a movie. It was a story about how elephants are trapped by hunters and how they succeed in getting away. My grandmother told me that when the hunters trapped the elephants, I started bawling at the top of my voice and was inconsolable. She had to drop the movie mid-way and bring me home. For the longest time ever I pestered my parents to get me a baby elephant or at least a chimpanzee or a baboon as a pet

Some people get upset with a birthday coming up. It reminds them on their advancing age. Some people are happy when their birthday is coming up. They look forward to being the center of attention and being treated in a special manner. I am not feeling anything ! I don’t feel bad about becoming older. I am not looking forward to receiving special treatment…although I do get it. No excitement, no depression. Somehow it doesn’t feel any different. It feels like just another day. I don’t feel like taking stock of the past or planning for the future like some people do on their birthday. I wonder why. I think one ought to feel something about the day they were born on. Why am I not feeling anything ? Its rather strange, isn’t it ?